One year ago today I was in Bali and at the time we were actively trying for our first baby. We had only tried once before we left on our holiday away but I had packed a few pregnancy tests just in case. I remember I woke up that morning in our tropical paradise and wasn’t feeling too good, I assumed it was from travelling the day before. I decided I would just try a pregnancy test just in case but I knew it would probably be negative because I took a test the day before. But something told me to try it again. Ryan was still in bed so I grabbed a test and off I went to the bathroom. I peed on the stick then put it aside whilst I brushed my teeth and hair not even looking at it. Then I glanced over and there it was….two faint lines.
Ryan and I were so shocked and soo excited! I kinda wished I was at home at that point so I could go tell my family. I remember spending the rest of the holiday just wondering whether it was going to be a boy or girl or what colour hair they would have, was it twins??
Little did I know how those two faint lines were going to totally change me and my world. I had no idea how amazing and incredible you were going to be.
I didn’t know that you were in fact a girl even though everyone told me you were a boy but I knew deep down you were my princess. And you were going to have the cheekiest, most beautiful smile I have ever seen.
I didn’t know how natural and comfortable we would feel together soon as you were born and how when you weren’t with me it would feel like I was missing my right arm. We are two peas in a pod.
I didn’t know how proud I would be of you the first time you breastfed and even how pleased I would be every time you pooped.
I didn’t know how much my heart would break everytime you cried and how helpless I would feel when I couldn’t fix the pain. How I would always wish I could be the one in pain and not you. I would give my life for you.
I didn’t know how those first few weeks of your life were going to be the hardest but most amazing of my entire existence. And that how I see the world would be completely different. Little things won’t matter anymore and all I would care about is you and that you were happy. The silly things I used to stress about won’t even cross my mind anymore. You would put my world into perspective.
I didn’t know how every second of everyday I will be so terrified of anything ever happening to you and that was how I would be for the rest of my life.
I didn’t know that you were going to pull the cutest faces when you dream and that you would have the most beautiful blue eyes
I didn’t know how complete I would feel every time you would fall asleep in my arms and I wouldn’t want to put you in your bed.
I didn’t know how needed and special you would make me feel those days when you only want your mummy and no one else. You would make me feel like the most special person because you my baby only want your mums hugs to feel better.
I didn’t know a love so strong and so deep ever existed.
And I certainly didn’t know how lucky I would feel that you my Harper Rose had chosen me as your mummy. I promise to do everything in my power to make sure you always feel so so loved and that you lead a happy life. That day one year ago I was given the biggest gift and that was you my sweet girl.
The moment those two lines appeared my life had just begun. Little did I know you would complete me. You make me whole Harper Rose.