I don’t usually accept invites out to lunches or coffee dates…I am terrified I will bore the person I’m having coffee with. Am I going to interesting enough? What will I talk about? What if they hate me?
So most of the time I avoid going all together. I even believe the reasons I give myself not to go out and socialise.
I’m too busy.
Harper didn’t sleep much last night.
Harper is teething.
It’s a Wednesday I cant.
I didn’t realise that anxiety was making me look like an absolute asshole. It isn’t that I don’t like people…I LOVE people. I’m just scared of people possibly not liking me back. I don’t even know what the core issue is to be honest (maybe I’ll never know but I wont let this control me much longer) . If you knew me personally you would probably never guess I had this social anxiety because I cover it so well. I usually try to only socialise in situations where alcohol is involved because unfortunately alcohol makes me just be myself and not give a shit what people think.
But obviously becoming a mother means not much alcohol which means I have to actually be myself with nothing to make me feel more relaxed.
I am someone who really loves people and for someone like me to have anxiety it makes it a constant battle in my head. I thrive on making people happy but I realised that my anxiety is actually making me seem so disinterested in people when I really am so caring and interested in people’s stories and lives.
I have been battling anxiety from since I can remember. My mother used to tell me when I was in kindergarten I would cry cause I was so scared of going to year 6……that’s how intense my anxiety is.
I struggled working in certain jobs where I would start very early because I have sleep apnea and insomnia so the night before I would start my shift I would get so worked up and panic I wouldnt get enough sleep I would even vomit from the shock.
People are so surprised when they find out about my anxiety because I seem so confident. But in truth I have developed a lot confidence wise since I started my blogging because I am so passionate about what I am saying. I don’t care what people think of my Instagram but when I am face to face I person I am terrified.
Since I have started opening up more about my anxiety on social media I have had so many emails from other women (majority of them being mothers) saying how much they relate. Even other amazing bloggers are sharing about their anxiety online makes me realise how many women are suffering with the debilitating mental illness.
Becoming a mother has added many more small anxties to the list (which I think is just a common thing amongst most mothers):
Am I being a good mother?
Am I doing the very best for my child?
Is it bad if I take her shopping? Will she be bored?
Am I feeding her the right foods?
The list goes on.
I am writing this blog to open up to my readers and show that anxiety should not be a shameful thing to share. The more we open up about this the more we can help one another and even share techniques (like Brittnay Noonan has done) to learn how to control it.
Anxiety does not define you.
You are doing your very best.
It is so hard to have this mental illness but you are STILL going. STOP being hard on yourself and start being your own best friend. I know I need to take this advice and I WILL get there!